Beginning Again

Ok, so if you are anything like me you have tried and failed so many times to lose weight. What's the problem with me, you keep thinking to yourself. I mean the concept behind losing weight really isn't that difficult. Eat smaller portions of nutrient rich food and exercise regularly. Simple right? WRONG on so many levels for me! 

I am overweight. In fact I am obese. I know it and the whole world knows it when they look at me. I want to change, I really do, but I am scared. Anyone else out there scared? 

Afraid of what you might ask? Well I am afraid of the hard work. I don't mean that in a lazy way, I mean that I am afraid of how long it will take to see the results that I am working my body so hard for.  Afraid of being hungry and in pain. These are the things that are standing in my way. 

My idea starting this blog so many years ago was to give myself somewhere to think out loud, where I could write it out. In doing so I hoped that maybe someone would read it and think, hey that sounds like me! Well many years have passed and I have done nothing to change me. 

Recently I was watching a YouTube video posted by someone that I admire very much and who inspires me all the time. She was talking about struggling with an eating disorder.  Much of what she said spoke to me. I have never thrown up what I eat, but I have thought about it. More in a "if I throw up what I just ate it will be like I didn't eat all that bad food" but I have never been able to make myself do it. Which is a really good thing! Seriously, if you are doing that please stop reading this and go talk to someone! Many things she said resonated with me and prompted me to go take an eating disorder test. I am at high risk to develop some kind of eating disorder based on my answers.  

Let's get down to basic facts about me:

I am overweight and I hate the way that I look. 

I want to be different. I want to be able to wear clothes from normal stores and feel good about what I see in the mirror. 

Most importantly, my husband and I want to have a baby and I know that it's not good to try for a baby while overweight. There are many serious complications that can occur. I know because I have read a lot about it. 

So where do I go from here? I am stuck in this horrible cycle of eating lots and doing nothing to change my body. Sometimes I work out, but I will do one session a week or lifting weights and then do nothing else to back it up with. See? Stuck in a vicious cycle. I want to change but I am afraid. 

I joined a gym, but everyone there was fit and intimidating.  I'm sure you can imagine how that made me feel. Ugly. Horrible. Fat. Everything I was already thinking in the back of my mind came up full force when comparing myself with the regular gym goers.  So what have I done about that? Not a whole lot. I bought an elliptical in the last week, but haven't given it a proper go yet. There never seems to be enough time in the day to get it done. 

Anyway, all of that rambling to say that I am really tired of feeling this way. Tired of seeing myself so negatively. I know the only way I can change that is to start making changes with my lifestyle. 

I have the ability to workout. I have no medical problems or injuries stopping me. I just have to get up and do it! So I am going to force myself to start small, aim for 10 or 15 minutes a day on the elliptical.  See how that goes, eventually, hopefully, it will get easier for me. 

Bottom line is, if you don't like yourself, it probably isn't as bad as you think. I hate the way that I look, but I am in good health otherwise. I can walk without becoming out of breath, I can lift weight without injury. These are the things that I need to focus on to become the person that I really want to be. 

I am going to be posting about my journey, for real this time! Starting with today. Once I finish this I am going straight to my workout. No passing go or making excuses. Straight there and doing it as long as I can before I feel like I can't go anymore. 

Tomorrow I am going to get out all those cookbooks I have bought and never used and making up some meal plans.  Then I am going to go shopping, after my workout of course! 


Thank you to Anna for inspiring me to take action. I have never been happy with myself, but I know that I can change that. It will just be hard and painful. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who will help me every step of the way and I know that I will need that. 

Also, please be nice to me in the comments. Negative things are always horrible to hear, but especially when you are in a vulnerable spot emotionally.